Fun With Vegetables
by The Writer On the Wall
Summary: A Shandy one shot crack fic that invloves fun and produce. Betad by lolcat76


Andy entered the condo, light hearted, and walked to the kitchen. He was having a really good day and felt like celebrating with a good dinner. Nicole had given birth to his first biological grandson and he was ecstatic.

"Andy? Is that you?" He heard Sharon's voice from the hallway and a moment later she appeared next to the fridge, smiling at him. "How is Nicole? And the baby?"

"So beautiful. Both of them. She's exhausted but extremely happy," it was like his lips stopped listening to his brain and he couldn't resist smiling.

"Oh, honey, you're glowing," she opened her arms as she talked and he walked into her embrace happily. Her flowery smell welcomed him home with familiarity.

"Hey, babe, I wanna celebrate," he talked into her hair, "what should I make?"

"I'm ok with whatever you want," she whispered. Hugging him always felt like the right thing to do, his arms always felt like the right place to be. It felt comfortable and safe and no excuse in the world made enough sense to let go.

"Let me see what we have," he broke it off abruptly and opened the fridge. "I hope you're up for a second dinner, too," he looked at her with his mischievous boyish smile.

She didn't respond, but waited for him to inspect the content of the fridge.

"Uh, babe...?"

Here we go, she thought.

"Where's all the food?" The light from the fridge emphasized the confusion on his face.

"The fridge is full. I went shopping today after talking with your doctor."

Andy closed the fridge at once and she jumped a little.

"What? Why? What did he say? Why does our fridge look like the produce section?"

Sharon took a hesitant step toward him. "He called me, worried. Apparently you haven't been following his orders? Your latest blood test shows high levels of blood sugar."

"Oh, my God. I'm fine, Sharon. You know I've been eating healthy! I don't know what he wants. The lab made a mistake, for sure."

Another step. Now she was close enough to put a hand on his arm. "You have been eating healthy, but not during our….second meals."

"What? It's just a little chocolate syrup."

"And whipped cream. Both are very unhealthy."

"But... It's our thing," he looked at her with such sad eyes.

Sharon could barely resist those puppy eyes, but she had to. "Andy, I love you. I want you around for a long time. In fact, I want us to live together until we're at least 100 and then die the same day."

"I... I love you too," his confusion grew, "but why are we talking about death? No one's dying."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you. We're switching to healthy food because no one's dying here, got it?"

"But -"

"ANDY."

He sighed, defeated. "Fine. No more second meals." He was turning back to the fridge to start the sad, pathetic meal he was going to make, but she grabbed him and turned him back to her.  
"Eating healthy doesn't mean giving up on anything. Healthy food can be amazing, and, yes, also be used in our second meals."

"How?"

"I'm not sure. But we can look for recipes online, and maybe go to a workshop to learn."

Andy nodded. She knew he was still disappointed but wanted to hide it from her. "One thing's for sure, we're NOT going to stop doing what we like." She kissed his lips softly, reassuringly.  
"Okay," he gave her a little smile and she could see he was feeling a little better about it. "Let's make healthy food, then."

* * *

"I still don't understand how we can use vegetables for our second dinner," Andy whispered quickly behind Sharon as they were bringing the food to the table.

She didn't respond. Sometimes, actions were more useful than words.

They joined Rusty and Gus at the table and everyone helped themselves.

"So, what movie are you going to see?" Andy asked the boys.

Sharon grabbed a strip of carrot with her fingers while Rusty told Andy about the movie, and waited a few seconds until Andy glanced at her. She caught his eyes and took a slow bite, arching one eyebrow as she chewed. He kept looking at her, a little smile on his lips, and she knew he was starting to get ideas in his head. She licked her finger when she finished that piece of carrot and Andy wanted to skip straight for the second dinner.

"Andy?" he suddenly heard an annoying voice and looked away to see Rusty waiting for a response.

"Huh?"

"Did you hear what I just told about the movie?"

"Uh... Yeah?"

"Well, what do you think? Because we're not sure we want to see it, we might go for a different one."

"Oh, uh, yes. Sounds..." he glanced at Sharon just in time to see her repeat her little show with a zucchini, "attractive," he muttered.

Sharon snorted and tried to look innocent as the boys looked at them with wondering eyes.

"I mean, interesting," Andy cleared his throat and tried to avoid Sharon's eyes, but it wasn't easy. The second Rusty started debating with Gus about which movie they were going to see, Andy's eyes were drawn to her by some weird magnetic force. The kind that made him do things even though he knew full well he shouldn't.

This time she had a single cherry tomato between her forefinger and he thumb. She put half of it in her mouth, but instead of taking a bite, she sucked on it for a moment and pulled it back slowly, licking her lips.

Andy watched her with a slightly open mouth and then swallowed, his throat suddenly going completely dry. She repeated her little act while placing her free hand on his knee underneath the table. He felt it moving up slowly and knew he wouldn't be able to take it much longer. It was already halfway up his thigh, and he half-hoped the boys would get their heads out of their own asses and say something to Sharon or even just look at her, to make her stop somehow. Then again, he didn't really want her to stop.

Sharon wasn't sure how far she wanted her hand to travel, but it seemed to have life of its own. Her brain was telling her to stop before reaching his groin but her hand was in a mischievous mood. She knew that it was going to cause trouble, but she went on anyway. And indeed, the second her hand touched it and gave a little squeeze, Andy jumped to his feet as if his chair was on fire, knocking over his luckily empty glass.

Rusty and Gus looked at him, stunned.

"Andy, what's wrong?" Sharon asked, trying with all her might to sound surprised without laughing.

"Are you okay?" Rusty looked genuinely worried.

"I... I'm not feeling so well. I think I better go lie down," Andy murmured and left the kitchen without looking back.

Sharon waited to hear the bedroom door close and smiled at the boys.

"I should bring him his food," she said calmly and got up, taking both their plates in her hands.

"Are you sure? He's not feeling well. What if he vomits or something?"

"Oh, I'm sure he's well enough to _eat_."

And with that she wished them good night and followed Andy to the bedroom.

* * *

Andy was pacing the room when Sharon entered, using her elbow to open the door and her leg to close it behind her. He watched her with crossed arms while she placed the plates on the nightstand and approached him with a smile. There was a mix of naughtiness and victory in her expression. Andy kept a straight face as she forced his arms open to make room for her body against his chest.

He was a little angry at what had just happened at the dining table, but he couldn't deny that it was hot. Why didn't she wait for the boys to leave?

Sharon didn't say anything. She didn't take his anger seriously. She knew that the touch of her lips against his would soothe him, and it did. He couldn't prevent his hands from seeking the skin of her back underneath her shirt. It felt like silk; no wonder they were sliding downwards.  
Sharon stopped and looked at him. He didn't pull his hands back.

"So you like the idea of healthy food already, or do I need to demonstrate some more?" she whispered.

"I think I could use some more examples, Teach. But can you use round produce this time?"

"Round?" Finally she was the one who seemed confused.  
"Yeah. Pears, pomelos... Round," he gave her butt a squeeze with both hands, pulling her even closer to him.

"I think I prefer carrots and zucchinis." She put her hand on his budding erection and gave it a squeeze back.

"I guess we're gonna have to include both," he kissed her again, this time much more enthusiastically. The anger he felt a second ago had completely evaporated. "I'm such a fool for you," he muttered between her lips.

Sharon tilted her head back as he kissed her neck.

"I bought something else today," she whispered, "something I couldn't put in the kitchen."

He stopped kissing her and looked at her with hopeful eyes. "Sugar free chocolate syrup?"

"Oh, honey... No," she walked back to the nightstand and pulled a little tube from the drawer. "It's an organic yam lube," she smiled.

Andy couldn't help but to smile back. She looked so excited about their new... nutrition. Although, this tube of yam was mostly for him.

"I bet it's sweet... Wanna try?" she put the tube next to her smiling face and looked like an ad for the product.

"You have no idea how much," he pulled her back to him. She removed her cardigan and he got rid of her shirt. With team effort she was in a horizontal position before she even realized it, the tube still in her hand. Andy got on his knees in front of the bed between her legs and grabbed the tube from her hand.

"I feel like I should be using a spoon here," he muttered as he opened the lid and smelled the material inside.

"I'm not sure how enjoyable that would be for me," Sharon said, staring at the ceiling and waiting for something to happen.

"What kind of person makes a yam lube?" Andy wiped his forefinger on the light-orange lube and put it carefully on his tongue. "Mmhhmm... It's kinda sweet." He sounded pleasantly surprised.

"I thought you were supposed to say that about me," Sharon whispered and sighed, shaking her head slightly. What had started out so well was rapidly going downhill. She suddenly wasn't sure produce could be of any use for them outside the kitchen.

"You know what," she got on her elbows so she could see him for the rest of the sentence, but instead she watched him with interest as he wiped two fingers in the tube and pulled out a decent amount of that funny looking cream. "What are you gonna d-"

Before she could finish the question he rubbed the yam lube on her vulva with a concentrated expression.

For a split of a second it felt cold against her, but then her body heat took over and her head fell back as a sigh escaped her lips, a mixture of surprise, relief, and joy.

Andy had no idea what he was doing. According to the instructions on the tube, the cream was completely natural lubricant and safe for both external and internal usage. He slid the two fingers in her carefully, as if this lube could make her spontaneously combust at any moment. But the lube seemed to be exactly as described and he hoped that it was safe enough for him to get another taste of sweetness.

Oh, well, he thought, if I die right now from poisoning at least I'll go happy. And with that thought the tip of his tongue touched her clit carefully. The lube was sweet and soft and he started to really like it, gradually putting more pressure on the spot. The hunger he was feeling from not eating his dinner had quickly disappeared. In fact, it felt to him like he went straight for dessert. He heard Sharon moan softly. She always kept her voice to a whisper level when Rusty was home. But Andy didn't mind her muting her pleasure - he knew that he was using this new product correctly. By now, the amount he used was already gone, but he kept going. From the way she was writhing and panting, he was pretty sure they didn't need it anymore. It was a war he was happy to lose. Produce - 1, Andy - 0.


End file.
